“How could two people who were so in love not end up happily ever after?” (Elizabeth Gilbert)
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Mike & Linda
Mike and his wife, Linda, no longer communicate in a way that is even close to resembling those early days. Lingering dinners where they talked about their future. He cooked for her then. He enjoyed it. It was his way of showing his love for her. He especially enjoyed how she would look at him, hanging on every word and responding in a way that made him know she had been paying attention.
Now she is short with him, more focused on what she plans to say next. More focused on blaming him, it seems, for everything that is frustrating her.
He is sitting on the couch when she comes home. He has not been feeling appreciated, so there is no way he is cooking for her tonight. She can fend for herself.
His wife walks in the door, visibly upset, sighing as she puts down her bag. She tells him she had a really bad day at work. She looks around. “Why haven’t you started dinner? You’re so lazy. My day was horrible and now there isn’t even any dinner. What were you thinking?”
He responds, “Well you might have had a long day, but I had a bad day too. In fact, I bet my day was way worse. You never ask if you can help clean up, so why, after I have a bad day, would I want to come home and cook for someone who is so ungrateful?”
Déjà vu. Didn’t they just have this same conversation a few days ago? Does she even really love him anymore? The doubt creeps in.
Alice and Jessica
Do I still want to hang on? Is it worth the anxiety? The stress? Days go by where everything feels perfect and then the topic comes up yet again –
Another text pops up on the phone. “Want to meet for drinks tonight?” Alice takes a deep breath, picks up the phone, walks into the living room and presents it to her wife, Jessica.
Alice’s voice gets loud, quickly. She yells at Jessica, who instead of responding, recedes out of the room. This drives Alice nuts. The more Jessica walks away and the quieter she becomes, the more Alice fumes. Why can’t Jessica just hash it out with her? She can feel the anger building in her chest, her heart beats quickly, her face flushes.
Alice follows her wife out of the living room and corners her in the bathroom. “I thought we agreed that you were not going to text her back anymore?”
Jessica just stares at her. She won’t respond. She ducks under Alice’s arm, leaving the bathroom and while walking to the back door says, “I told you I am not talking about this with you. I am not having an affair.”
Alice feels like she is going to explode out of her skin. Jessica walks out the door. She does not say where she is going or when she will return.
Once again, Alice finds herself on her own, trying to calm herself down, thinking, “Would it just be easier to get a divorce? Should I stay or should I go now?”
Things to Fight About
It might be finances. You never really figured out how to do manage them together.
It might be an affair. How could he do that? How do you trust him again?
It might be the kids. He wants them to sleep in their own beds, you want them sprawled out with you, in a big sweaty mangle of pjs, so you know they are breathing at all times.
It might be the sex. Desire slows down. Sex dwindles. It not only dwindles, it is downright boring. Was it ever exciting? Did pulses ever actually race?
Arguing, affairs, money, family, friends, jobs, histories of trauma.
They happen to all of us.
The cycle can stop. Relationship therapy can help.
If these stories, or just the reality of a relationship dominated by arguments, resonates with where you are in your relationship, contact me. Together, we can work towards a different and better life.
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