Discernment counseling is not treatment; it is an assessment.

Are you willing to make any changes? Are you one foot out the door? Have too many things happened to be able to slide your foot back in the door? Perhaps there is another door? A door to reconciliation? You just know you need help deciding what door to open and what door to close.

More often than not, one of you will be farther along in your process than the other. One of you will be seriously considering leaving and not so interested in therapy. The other will really want to work on things. The discernment process helps create a supportive environment that allows spouses to catch up to each other’s thoughts and needs. It can help you reduce that tug of war between staying and going, and make a solid plan for moving forward.

What is the goal?

• To help you get unstuck.
• To help you move forward in your decision-making process.
• To help you evaluate your relationship.
• For each person to clarify what you are willing to do to resolve your relationship problems.
• Ultimately, the goal is to work together to decide if you want to put the effort into changing your relationship. Are you willing to contribute your time and energy to that change?
• The conclusion you and your spouse make at the end of the process will be, do you want to stay with the status quo, begin the divorce process, or enter into marriage therapy?

What should we expect?

The assessment process takes place over several sessions. To begin, the three of us will meet together for an hour and among other things, discuss:

• What has happened over the course of your marriage?
• What, if anything, have you tried to do to repair your primary problems?
• How much of your decision to stay or go has to do with your children?
• Your memories of good times in your relationship and if you can see these returning to your marriage.

Next, you and your spouse will each meet with me, individually, for 50 minutes. Again, we will discuss your relationship:

• What do you think needs to change?
• Are you are willing to participate in making these changes?
• Do you even desire to make these changes?
• What are your needs and what is the reality of situation?

After these individual sessions, we will then choose a time to, again, meet together. Sometimes all you will need is one decision session, and sometimes there is more to discuss. You might need two sessions. During these sessions we will have candid discussions about what has led you to this point and what each of you is willing to do to move forward. After the first couples and individual sessions, you will most likely, quite clearly, know what you want to do. The answer might scare you, but I will be there to help guide the conversation, make sure it stays on track, and help you put together a plan for the next step.

Do you want to remain status quo? Do you want to divorce? Do you want to attend marriage counseling?

Who benefits from Discernment Counseling?

If you are stuck in an endless cycle of one of you threatening to leave the other or simply a cycle of endless discussions about whether you should still be married, discernment counseling is for you.